pure thoughts...

2012-02-05T21:30:00.001+08:00

I always wanted another life. a secret life. but no matter how hard I try, it seems that these efforts are making me uglier than before. the jealousy, envy, anger and frustration that fuels it act like acid as it destroys me.

Fuck it.

2012-01-24T08:24:00.001+08:00

crying two days in a row. what the fuck is wrong with me? I need to get this out. this fucking holiday is like shit. I feel so worn out and it's been so long since I think that death can sole problems. I thought I was out and over that. but apparently, I am still a kid. always the one at fault. it doesn't matter who the hell is the one that pissed her off, I am the ultimate target. the one that is said to have sinned. perhaps this is me paying back for all the bad things I did. perhaps, karma has found me. I can't fight it, I shouldnt fight it. my life revolves around redemption. nothing good comes out of this. I should count my blessings as much as I can huh. what use has it actually? everyone's having a time of their life, the holiday, tw family time. me? living hell. things can't get worst. alright. I gotta love myself and things will work out. somehow. humans are not my forte. let me just concentrate on my career.

2012-01-22T20:37:00.001+08:00

こんな家に住みたくない。毎回あたしのせいで終わるんだ。生きてて良かったを思う日はこないなぁ。私の人生はむちゃくちゃだ。あたしのせいでね。

現在

2011-11-11T00:05:00.001+08:00

我已經踏入了人生的另一個階段。
思想也在我不注意的時候，漸漸地成熟。＂青春＂回不去了。很多懷念的人和事都消失在回憶中。但是，我很慶幸還有你們這班朋友和我一起回憶。好想跟你們說一句＂謝謝你在我的生命中增添了歡笑和色彩。＂

2011-08-09T14:02:00.002+08:00

is it time already?
the once peaceful and calm mind has been put into a tornado.
Life has never been any better?worst?
i am confused.

what is important to me?
nothing matters anymore.
not any of you.
it all started on sunday.

i am the accessory.
and one that not everyone would appreciate.
perhaps. time alone is good for me.
but i hate the sense of loneliness.
i dread it despite encompassing it.
i love time alone only when i want it.

fuck it.

2011-08-07T23:43:00.003+08:00

I don't know why I have the feeling that I will drop.
I haven been happy.
why the fuck is this happening?
am I just too sensitive?
I don't feel the joy. damn.
contentment! the only thing I need.

I am not needed.
why do I want to feel that I belong somewhere?
pathetic human thoughts.

2011-06-09T23:44:00.002+08:00

因為旁人的眼光，就必須放棄自己的想法嗎？

這樣好嗎？

學會忘記。。。學會放手。。。

不是一個人，是甚麼意思。

是有人陪嗎？

可是我身旁的。。。不是我要的。

友情親情愛情都不是我要的。

我不會珍惜所以我不應該擁有嗎？

我一直都在這個灰色的夾層里，等待。。。

可是我現在不想再等了。

我要靠自己。。。讓自己的生活精彩。

我會努力地讓我的世界變得七彩繽紛。

嗯。我可以。

一個人的生活真的比較適合我。。。

just thinking.

2011-05-29T04:22:00.004+08:00

its been a month since i posted.

a lot has happened within this month.

well, not that the old troubles are gone.

my life took a new turn.

it just seems as thou lady luck was shinning on me.

and LIFE has decided to give me some incentive to live on.

[30] outing with wormies. dinner with bz. supper with tjp grp. pint with sherry and CC.

[01] Jack's place. bz, tere, gno.

[03] Wax. BTT booking.

[04] Lunch with boss.

far east Korean BBQ

the pump room

boat quay

phoenix

attica

zouk

[05] Job Offer. (:

[06] JB day trip. Approval <3

No interview/no probation period

2011-04-28T01:26:00.003+08:00

i feel the shiver through my body when the thought of losing myself cross my mind.

It's been a while since i have fallen.

It wasnt because life has been kind to me.

Somehow i have received answers to those mind-boogling questions that keep me awake at night.

Body clock is still screwed, nightmares are so frequent that it no longer scares me.

But, there are times when this smile appears on my face that i cant explain.

Was it because you were there? Or my mind has simply blocked out the negativity by itself?

i wish for the latter.

That way, i know i am not dependable on anyone.

I am desperate for a need to feel independency. even for short periods.

I hate to grow up, and circumstances are not helping.

I need to mature. I need to abide by the many regulations(?) of adulthood.

The definition of adulthood is not as simple as independency.

It is the ability to fit in, to be considerate and create a harmonious environment.

It requires each individual to take care of their own emotions and not just venting it out.

Tears become a sign of weakness; the lack of control.

Fear is hidden from prying eyes; from those who are out to bring you down.

Anger has to be managed in ways that shows maturity.

Happiness is kept close to the heart and not at the tip of the tongue.

Done so as to learn appreciation and to not invite jealousy.

Smiles can be genuine or just a mask that hides their true emotions.

Adults learn the art of tactfulness; social etiquette.

2011-03-14T05:18:00.002+08:00

是因为不够不幸，所以尝不到幸福吗？

是我不知足。

i realized that escape only brings hauntings.

the reason why i am still locked up in my cell.

when the tears drop, how much sorrow can be washed away?

2011-02-14T23:55:00.002+08:00

been a while since i posted.

life has been mundane.

its valentines.

there's noone for me.

i may be looking for it but i know i wouldnt find it.

watched the shaolin show sometime ago.

what i got from the show kind of depressed me.

when you have happiness. you want more and want to protect it.

therefore you fight.

when you have nothing, you desire.

therefore you fight and try to take from others.

but i dont know where i stand...

i dont know what i want.

for the years that have passed, i have never known.

so when will i make up my mind...

2011-01-25T03:12:00.001+08:00

when I think of you, I still feel the pain.
I just want to know how have you been.
what have you done during the years that I wasn't there.
I know I loved you.
I know you don't.
I know the past will only remain as memories.
I know I can never have you.
I dream just to be close to you.
I don't need to have you.

I miss loving you.

2011-01-02T01:49:00.003+08:00

my dreams are scaring me.

i see you almost everyday in my dreams.

if dreams and reality are opposites, i hope i live in my dream.

reality would be too harsh.

i dont know what feelings i am experiencing.

but i know its not love.

if it was, i wouldnt be so confused.

i still feel as thou i am living in 2010.

perhaps i am used to living in the past..

2011-01-01T03:25:00.000+08:00

今のあたし　何でもない。

誰のでもない。

好きになれる　の気がする。

２０１１はどうなるの？

大きの変化を感じてる。

だって学校から卒業し　２１になるんし。。。

どんどん自立しないと。

だけど　誰かに世話をたのみたくて。。

あたしって　最低の人間だね。

誰も本当のあたしを知らない。

何年経っても　同じ。。

だって　あたしは誰にも信じていない。

信じてとしても　裏切るのが怖くて　最終的に全部を話せ

ない。

あたしは　自分の事が分かってても　変わらない。

タバコと酒は　えいえんのトモダチかな？

いつも気まずいとき、悲しいときは　彼らに癒した。

言い訳かもしれない。

何でそうなるん？２０１１の３時２１分。

寝る？観る？

unsurpassable thoughts.

2010-12-26T03:08:00.002+08:00

the festive season still could not keep these thoughts away.

i wish i knew better.

thinking of the past again and finding new perspectives.

i did not treasure you. i did not deserve you.

i missed the opportunity. i was not courageous enough.

i dont know how you think but i want to try. i like your style.

the three that are on my mind right now.

i cant believe you are still on my mind.

i didnt know how things would have worked out.

i guess i have to try to find out.

a few more days till the end of 2010.

i hope for the best.

2010-12-09T03:50:00.002+08:00

now i know there was a reader.

someone that may not be in my life all the time.

but stays concerned about me.

thanks for that if you ever saw this.

to the silent reader.

the silent of the night provides the mind with all the space to doodle with thoughts.

things that never crossed my mind pops up now and then.

the usual haunting thoughts still suffocates.

i feel thankful for nights where i get to really rest.

not the sleeping time. but the inner peace that overflows.

i need more nights like that than the lonesome ones.

i can feel the inevitable awkwardness.

but why then, do you still initiate?

or is it because you feel otherwise; i was the one that initiated?

its all the same.

i feel obligated.

and why so? i dont know.

i say the things i say not because i believe in them.

but because i think it works out better that way.

how hypocritical can i become with the years to come.

the obligations and responsibilities that i have ignored for years that have passed.

TIME TO GROW UP. is that the lesson to be learnt?

when you dont learn the right thing from an experience, you will find yourself in the same situation over and over again.

2010-12-01T15:55:00.003+08:00

when i am sick, when i feel weak.

the thoughts take their chance and control my mind.

they cause chaos or stop functioning at all.

why is it that despite all, the desire to own is still there?

if i could be simpler.

'how to' is the question...

i have never been a priority in anyone's life.

it is easy to sense the awkwardness, the way you ask for her.

i hate to know that i am lesser a friend to you than her.

its the same with the rest.

how important someone else is in their life is not what that is bothering me...

it is how when we are together, but someone else is longed for.

i am just the substitute, the back up plan.

its always the same.

i hate the way you spend time with me and not share the moments.

ily june. ily jean.

no matter how unimportant i am in your life, you made me feel that i mattered whenever i am with them.

i feel that they cared with all their heart and soul.

2010-11-29T20:45:00.002+08:00

太多的問題，太少的解答。

當我需要陪伴的時候，還有誰？

當你們需要陪伴時，也不會是我吧。

那麼我為甚麼要那麼的在意你們呢？

你們都好像有隱形的連繫。。

我永遠也介不入。

2010-11-29T20:21:00.002+08:00

當我發覺可能是自己太多心時，就覺得自己好像以小人之心妒君子之腹。

可是我卻還是無法阻止這種想法。。。

2010-11-27T03:11:00.003+08:00

understanding is no longer as simple as listening.

it is being able to hear the unspoken.

why do i have to report?

i say the things that i like and thats the end of the story.

2010-11-26T22:37:00.002+08:00

thoughts 261110 2103

why should I subject myself to judgement? I am too concerned with other's perspective of me. when will I truly be able to be myself and hold my head high? the day when I choose to grow up and support myself. for now, I am still an ignorant child.

the friends that I have, how true are they? why do I always doubt them? the trust that I place in them, is that just a desperate act of trying to keep them by my side? if betrayal is rampant, why should I give them the benefit of doubt? why should I believe? why should I share?

probably because I feel lonely. I just need someone to talk to. someone that listens. when I talk to someone about another, I feel a sense of release from the guilt. the guilt for judging them.

thoughts 221110 22:22

2010-11-26T17:42:00.001+08:00

it's when the night falls that thoughts would run wild. 
when I am alone that the world seem so cold and indifferent. 
all the talk about the butterfly effect cease to make any sense. 
if only if I could feel the impact instantly. 

because of the loneliness I feel, I approach. 
because of the lack of care and concern, I seek. 
the world was never fair. 
the world has been failed so many times by humans. 
it never felt so right to leave; to be alone in the night. 
there is no breeze to comfort my bleeding heart and soul. 
all I can do is to keep peace and wish for things to work out.

fag on the lonesome street.

2010-11-26T02:08:00.002+08:00

又到了這個時候。。。

潛意識似乎已經習慣了把我在這個時間從睡夢中擾醒。

腦袋還處於半睡眠狀態。

那短暫的兩個小時帶來了不完整的夢。

現實和夢境混在一起時，是多了恐懼還是多了美好？

我看多的是困惑。

是時候讓累壞的腦袋休息。

251110 0207

2010-11-25T02:26:00.003+08:00

Thoughts 191110 0315

can't we pretend that airplanes in the night are like shooting stars? I really need a wish right now, wish right now.

the only wish I have now is...
to sleep my days away with no worries and be accompanied by friend's that understands me. I have taken too ling to realise that you and you and you and ... are not the one. I really appreciate those that loved and missed me when I wasn't there. I would return every bit of that care and concern in any way I could.

I rather be talking about strangers and acquaintances that I don't know than to feel the need to entertain. maybe I am wrong, maybe that's not the way of living but it seems to suit me fine now. how desperate am I to find new friends and new adventures?

I need something new and you and you and you are not part of it.

I seem to make things sound worst than they are. I make a big fuss. it shows the importance I place on it, doesn't it? I wish I know what you were thinking when you said those things. I am afraid. I fear to lose and to be taken advantage of. i may have lost my trust in human. I thought you and you and you and ... were the people that shared an understanding. I must have mistaken. life may not be as simple as choices, it's all about the consequences.

I need to keep my mind occupied. I need an outlet and I think writing it down has never been a better idea. I miss the times when I was truly carefree. I used each day to it's fullest and enjoyed every moment. I hope these days return.

I think I trouble myself too much and stick my nose into people's life too much. I should withdraw. maybe I should say nothing, perhaps that's the way I should do. okay. decided. I will not involve myself in any of this.

2010-11-19T14:38:00.001+08:00

smilemaker. if only smilemaker is with me. <3
it makes me so much better.

thoughtsthathurt.inthesilentnight.

2010-11-19T03:49:00.005+08:00

Thoughts 191110 0315

I can no longer love. and I have never loved before. perhaps, one-sided love is my destiny. pessimistic thoughts do not help in relieving any of the confusion and pain I feel. I once believed that I could be happy too. now, it seems that there is no purpose in my life. I am living each day like the living dead. I hate to admit but even I cannot love myself. who will be my knight in shining armour? I just need someone that cares. someone that love me for the wilful me. there doesn't seem to be one that exist. life is unfair.

I knew that from the start.

I was so much happier when I was younger. when friends are all that mattered. I miss you. all those that know me too well. those of you that truly cared. i am the devil's child.

maybe you were right that I don't appreciate. but I really do not deserve it. when I let myself go, I feel a false sense of release. I feel all the pressure lifted from my mind. I live in self pity and never saw the need to change. deep down, I wish I could change for you. the you that will never appear. I have got no shame and there is no one to blame. I am neither here nor there.

i wish I can be taken away.

maybe I am the pain that I desperately want to take from my lived ones. perhaps my disappearance will make it a better world.

it is in the silent nights alone that I feel so empty. that I want to look for something to hold on to. there is nothing out there. do I really feel that I don't deserve it or it is just a facade for the prideful me. the me that sees no equal.

there is nothing anyone can do to open my mind. I have shut it all up. I can't trust. I am so afraid that I will fall and get hurt. i am afraid of losing you that I treat you for granted and prepare myself for the impact. I have lost myself in the self pitying thoughts. I need to find peace to feel alive.

all in all, I still need to find the meaning of living. the value of a life. I want to be saved. but the desperation is driving me back into the abyss of loneliness. the wall that I have built have became so high that I can no longer see the world clearly. the peephole in the wall no longer tells me the truth. I live in my own lies and I have done an excellent job in convincing myself that it will be alright. when I am in the crowd, my loneliness engulfs me. I feel that I am second priority. I seek so hard for recognition that it freaks my inner self out. I try to make people feel at ease for the fear of being out casted.

how can I skip these dark days that have me so much pain. I may have brought them upon myself. there is a hope that one day, I will truly understand and become the independent super human. if it means for me to become immune, to be heartless, i will give all it takes to feel better.

if only I lived in my own world. sometimes, I wish I was the outcast, the weird one in the crowd. but yet, I desire to be transparent.

one day, I will break the wall. to face the harsh reality that awaits me. the fact that perhaps my life means nothing and everything that happened to me was to compliment other's life. it was my choice and the result is being forsaken by the greater one. that even taking the effort to melt out my punishment is a waste of effort. in trying to be significant, how hard have I tried? how much of me have I lost? how have I created this mess in my mind to fit in? when I criticise others, it is just to make myself feel like the better one. is that it to me? when I put people sown, do I feel the joy from their misery?

I am self-centred. that is one of the reasons, ain't it? I wish someone would disagree,

I wish that optimism will find it's way to the darkest part of my mind and heart and released the caged me. the fragile and scared soul that only wanted love.

2010-10-10T14:00:00.003+08:00

it all boils down to how much you care.

ithinkihurt.

Sunday Night.

the HOSSAN LEONG show was fabulous.

and linguistically challenging.

i love how he can portray all the different characters and switch in a snap.

Had a ladies night out @SUPPER.

the night started out slow.

but, i got high regardless.

the feeling of living in the moment and not having to think of consequences.

iloveit.

i think my violent tendencies are getting stronger.

BITES. STRANGLE. PULL.

thats enough for now.

one dayy, i might just break and...

fillintheblanks.

2010-10-08T14:37:00.002+08:00

i just realized that it has been 362days ago since i last post.

many things have changed and so have i.

the facade is still up and there is no way it will fall to the ground any time soon.

As the years go by, the burden of my lies seems to ease away.

it was not time that made it go away, it was indifference that helped.

The pain from the wound has been transformed into a scar.

The past haunts. The present hurts. The future daunts.

ESCAPE has always been my forte.

2010-10-08T14:24:00.002+08:00

when i lose myself i think of you.

when i think of you i lose myself.

happiness seem to come easy for you.

i am jealous. green with envy.

you possess what i want to share with you.

i hate me for having these thoughts.

but i couldnt help.

2009-10-10T10:34:00.001+08:00

Back to boring singapore life.
miss the times in Japan.
the sights, the people.
just about everything.
bought a lot for myself.LOLL. (:

thots.

2009-06-30T04:03:00.001+08:00

2009-06-30T00:43:00.001+08:00

2009-06-10T04:49:00.000+08:00

thinking.
understanding.
giving up.

2009-05-30T23:13:00.003+08:00

things happen.

and cannot be stopped.

went to work this morning.
catch up with cash.same old girl she is.loll.
damn exhausted thanks to week's events.

didnt even know that there was MKT test till sun.
sunday CYA was good.popeyes is loves.i had fun doing duties.managed to speak jap to some passenger.loves.took break with almost the entire duty group.had soba.
then after duties, popeyes.AGN.

mon blues.mkt test.crapped.but turned out a-okay.went for 'snack'(fried rice) w zt and al.then went to eat with bibi and wt.slacked, talked, did work.fucking thought i did the work.
apparently not.thus, NO SLP.

tues was BORRING.thought i had to be in school early.CABBED.there was BESE presentation.i expected my grp members to be ok.i overestimated.

wed sucked.had BOE.for half an hour then consultation at 5:20.fucked up timing.luckily clique was there.waited till my consultation was over.went L4D at parklane.
FUN.

thur(SSM) things went better than i imagined.SI still not satisfied.but stn 2 had good feedback.
basically, i m stuck with the same partner for 3 wks at top tables.
next up: BAR.
if only if we served alcohol.

Fri was a good day.no sch.but still cabbed to school."helped" with CYA recruitment.went to sugarloaf for lunch.food was rather disappointing.saw chef trevor.the dessert was good.(with compliments from rach)went shopping with bibi.for ESSENTIAL stuff.went to home.rested.
Oschool.
joy.hott tchr.EVE.learned about bounces and a short practice routine.
think i cant coordinate and have no memory.
home sweet home - NOT.
bathed and changed.

nth bad.
Desperate to drink now NOW.
VERY POP was SO-SO
had fun catching up w ugly doll.
dance floor sucked.
music sucked.
drinks ROCKED!
oh god.the taste of heat down my throat.
fuck it.
i need my drinks.

hopefully can go with clique on wed.

2009-05-10T17:39:00.001+08:00

i fucking have enough of myself.
i have no fucking idea what i am doing with my life.

Freaky
i know.but i cannot act.
i understand.but i cannot think.
i hear.but i do not listen.
i see.but i cannot interpret.

~

2009-05-06T19:20:00.003+08:00

the thoughts that fills my mind....
meaninglessly happy.
lonely.
bored.
thrilled.
motivated.
miss.
not in sch mood.
need to work.
cash.

went to clinic ytd.got stuck there for up to 4 hrs thanks to swine. was thinking of saying that i had flu but sore throat seemed to be a better idea. didnt want to wear mask and be stuck with the flu and fever crowd. BUTT the person happily told me that sore throat is a symptom of H1N1. sigh. it was the same doc as previous time, meaning i got 2 day MC~.

met up with JEANIE~~

2009-05-03T22:34:00.002+08:00

ffalling.
not in love.
not into depression
it is in the good way.
thinkin of you.
or all of you in some sense.

need questions to be answered.
am i too sensitive?
am i over estimating?
am i too lazy?(hm.this seems to be answered silently by the state of my room.)

wonders if it will stay this way.
where i can find joy in daily occurrences.
there will be more work to do soon.
may not be going the way i wish,
but i would love to try my best once in a while.

shall blog in japanese sometime later.
lessons coming up tmr.

2009-04-30T00:22:00.002+08:00

do not get it.
do not understand.

what the hell was that.
cannot help but think.
brain is working by itself.
ignoring.
trying to distract mind.
does not work

i do not care about the rest.
i just want to know you.
not an obligation, but i need to know.

am i changing AGAIN?
or is it the world.
what will i end up being?

the being that has always lived within.
the devil's persuasion.
how much have i given in?
how long, before my values will kick in?
i need to know.

the ability to know.

i want to build castles in the sky
so that i can build them on land someday.

2009-04-25T02:37:00.002+08:00

A new obsession has been found.
more of a past time.
L4D.
zombie love.
smoker tongue. hunter speed. bomber fats.
tank muscle. Witch moan.
also thanks to it, my beloved desktop has been INFECTED.
just like me.
flu and sore throat.
not getting any better any time soon, i suspect.
need more sleep to heal.
need more rest to recover.
for physical health and emotional happiness.
LOLL.

thou the virtual world has been fascinating,
i have to return to reality in the end.

2009-04-21T18:57:00.002+08:00

WOWWOW

the admiration.
cant believe such a person exist.
the leadership and result.

if only if i can put my dreams to action too.
the words will lose its worth if actions are not taken.

The question:: To be or not to be.

2009-04-15T05:25:00.003+08:00

/Monsters are real/
/and Ghosts are real too/
/they live Inside us/
/and sometimes, They win./
~Stephen king

i want to know not the number of times the inner devil has won,
but the number of times I have let myself down by giving in.
nearing two decades of my life.
what have i done that i can be proud of.
what is the most important thing in these 20 yrs.
when were the glorious days of my life.

この世にたくさんの謎がある。
我々はその謎を解けに生きている。
でも　死ぬまで　解けられない謎は　きっとあるよ。
それじゃ。。。命の最後まで　頑張れ！！
二週間の闇を超えて、新しい自分を見つけて　生きていくわ～

2009-04-14T13:47:00.001+08:00

sick.tired.sad.
work.sleep.rest.

dreading the start of school.
timetable not out, no idea WHO...

2009-04-09T07:43:00.002+08:00

おめでとう～ピーちゃん！
２４歳の誕生日。去年、カンゴクへ祝いいったんだよね。
今年はシンガポールへ来ないか？ハハハ。。。
to remember.

2009-04-06T21:52:00.003+08:00

nice day out with P.
i enjoyed.
the silence that surrounds me lately.
it is calming.
i do not understand.
the joy that i used to feel is never the same anymore.
the inflicted wound will heal,
but the scar will remind me.
the haunting will not stop.
till the time i learn to ignore.

i m starting to doubt all that i believe.
who are the ones that are worthy.
where do i belong.
what are the things that i want to remember.
when will i awake from this nightmare.

what is this i feel?
tell me if YOU know.
i will isolate.i will try.

2009-04-06T00:08:00.002+08:00

it might not be such a bad idea that i have lost the means of communication.
the peace of mind i get seems to be doing my emotions some good.
i feel as thou i have went back to those days where i was never happy.
the rest that i was able to take gave me some breathing space.
the feeling of release crept into me silently as i sleep the days away.
i like this.

you have no idea what it is doing to me.
how it tortures me to see and hear.
the exclusivity is no longer there.
i hate to think of it that way.
i m selfish.
but now i know that it is not important.

no matter how much emphasis i put on it,
it will not go the way i want it to.
so why should i treasure?
why should i WASTE my life?

looking at things thru your eyes.

2009-04-04T19:55:00.003+08:00

Smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile
Even though it's breaking
When there are "stars"
In the sky,
You'll get by
If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun
Come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
That's the time
You must keep on trying
Smile
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life
Is still worth-while
If you just smile
Smile

2009-04-04T04:57:00.002+08:00

Confusion veils my sight.
It causes the inability to see the truth right before my eyes.
Is what i see true?or are they just illusions?
the contradictions of my own thots will drive me crazy.
the reasons that i want to forget seems to increase as time passes.
The more i remember, the more i want to forget.
You will never understand.
Knowing is not always a wise decision.
Ignorance can lead to happiness and joy.
I should learn not to question.
I wish i was brain dead.

I wish for you to reclaim me.
To forgive me for the sins and wrongs i am guilty of.
I wish for the purification of ME.
To start afresh and never look back.
I wish i can be you.
To deceive myself better without contradictions.
I wish i knew.

2009-04-03T01:34:00.000+08:00

今は楽しくないの～分からないけど。。
私は絡みつらいんだ。。。

つまらないなぁ～
自分で自分の考えがある。
私は一人でもいいんだ！大丈夫だ～！
一人の生活がスキ～

二人ともいいカップルになると思う。

友だちが居なくてもいい。。。かも。。。
たいへんな事になってる。
４－Dの恋人が欲しい。。。だいすき！！
私の日本語はどんどんうまくなってるのね～
いや～自慢しまった～

いやだ～私の気持ち分かるのか？
わたしは第三者だと思う～
おかしいの？私の考えて。。。

2009-03-15T19:57:00.002+08:00

without.
the choices.
the thoughts.
the needs.
the wants.

love without pride.

the path to walk.
the need for drama.

2009-03-15T19:17:00.003+08:00

here i am.

burning the candles at both ends.
wish it will burn out faster.

why the sudden concern?
it is not my wish to remain.
it is not my wish to be born.

i want to be the master of my own fate.
But how can i when i am restrained by blood ties.
the inability to be independent.
the character weakness that i posses has been allowed to rule my life.

If i do not care, i would not be here.
If i am heartless, i could have left.
If i am determined, i can accomplish the impossible.
If i am not me.

But i know it is not your choice either that i am me.
But i do not wish to leave with regret.
But i am selfish and afraid of the unknown.
But i want to be me.

If only if life was S-I-M-P-L-E.
simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.
simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.
simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.simplicity.

I think too much.
I contradict myself so much i confuse myself.
I no longer know what i want.
I wish i can format my hard drive.
I want to work.
I want to dream.
I want reality to be manipulated by ME.

I want to experience the feeling of being at the brink of death. If only you knew what i am thinking of.

2009-03-01T04:30:00.001+08:00

The disappointment.
The letdown.
The anger.
The frustration.
The agony.
Emotions felt and gone.
To think that love is never enough to heal these wounds.

2009-02-25T03:43:00.002+08:00

long long long time since i saw nadiah.
now she has gotten long long long hair.

had IKEA♥Meatballs.cream of ASPARAGUS.
2 cups of Coffee♥.

saw a fren up load low quality photos.and cldnt take it.
so decided to upload photos.
was uploadin" old photos and i got really really lazy.

New ♥.i lyk baileys.
wahahaha.fun has been lessen.
hm.borrin" life hits poor sg girl.

need to go out.
was nearly killed by the idea that i had to stay home tdae.(240209)
but was saved by nadiah.i love you.hahahah.

2009-02-23T14:07:00.003+08:00

E-x-a-m-s ARE OVERRR!!!
all the joy in the world.hahahha.
think damn screwed this time.
but i enjoyed myself. :P

had mj session ytd.
all mj addicts.
some1 actually wrote 1 full page in my book for the deal.
the deal::play mj
was predictin" this will happen when the 4 come tgt.loll.
was losin" my pants till the last round.
qing yi se~
joy to the world agn.

decided to study but thanks to WT, cannot concentrate.
not that she was distractin", but JOIN4 is.
woots.

was in sch at 8.
studied w bizhi's k.
then ended up chattin".
sigh.

went for exam.
look at paper and laugh.
damn sleepy can.wtf.
slept a bit bit.complete w doodles as evidence on answer sheet.

and now i m home.bored and awake.
thanks to 6 cups of earl gray and 1 cup of kopi.

2009-02-13T13:44:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i wonder if it is worth it to love you.all of you.
the emotions that engulf me when i m arnd you.
i feel ur pain. saddness. happiness. and anger.
i m easily affected by u all because of the importance tt u all hold in my life.
i enjoy the times i spend w u all. all the precious moments that will be imprinted in my mind.
Thinkin" of the past, livin" in the present, and tryin" to predict the future.
i will nv be satisfied with what i alread have.i m just human. i m overwhelmed w greed and desire.

When everythin" has come to an end, our story will live on.
I will stop. I will recall. I will remember the times when u are here for me.
i was happy. Thank you.

2009-02-12T03:36:00.002+08:00

the little happenin" in life.
din noe i will miss SM <3 so much.
baq in borin" sg.day2.
cant believe i met up w all my loves alread.
enjoy hangin" out w u all.

sad thin" was tt gab wasnt free.neither was zay.
sigh.
life suck when frens are nt arnd.
went out w bi and co.loll.
ate my favs.
MARUTAMA ramen.
the chef was walkin" arnd.hahah.
nice eyecandy. <3

then was walkin".
went meet another fren.
"hang out" till 3.

omg.think tmr no sch.
wahahah.
dun wanna cfm it thou.
meetin" JUNE.

2009-02-10T12:33:00.001+08:00

the joy.
MIA for quite awhile.
all the loves for DBSK n SUJU n SHINEE.
ahahhaha.
SHOPPIN" gooddd.

2009-02-02T01:23:00.002+08:00

HAPPIE EARLY B'DAE to MENGYA.
so sorry tt she had t push forward the celebration.
had fun.loll.
got wasted. (TT
think meng also.hahah
i apologize t the 2 angels tt waited for me.loll.

2009-01-31T17:06:00.002+08:00

strange experience ytd.loll.
but it was fun.mayb shld do tt more often.
my love for jack daniels have been revalidated.
n glenn is the new black.wahahhaha.

makin" everyday a different day.

2009-01-29T10:20:00.003+08:00

the joy of livin".
its all because of all of you.
felt as thou i went back to sec sch days.
tt seems to happen every single time i go out with jean.
loves for the past.

2009-01-28T01:42:00.000+08:00

ISOLATION

2009-01-26T23:19:00.000+08:00

2009-01-26T15:22:00.001+08:00

CNY
this is the first time i think i really enjoyed havin" relatives over.
the onli reason bein" my cousin's wife.
hahahha.she's a japanese.
so happie.loves loves/

2009-01-25T21:00:00.002+08:00

All the things in the world to think about.
Havin" to think seems to be a chore.
Sometimes i wish that my intelligence is single-digit.
I wld be happier.
Sure of it.
Learnin" to adapt to this world for 18years.
Life gets more and more borin".
The more i got to know abt this world, the more i wish i hadnt learnt.
The things that i wish i can learn abt.
I regret knowin" right after i did.
Complications arent helpin" either.
Life is not jus abt survival.
Its abt livin" it.
To live, and to be.

RESET.

Memories.
why is thr a need to remember.
if only if everyday is a new day.
Tried livin" my life differently everydae.
it worked and brought me joy for a short while.
but things that i can do r limited.
i m not competent.i m a coward.
i realize that nothin" will make me happie
than bein' able to understand every language in the world.

My dream.My wish.

2009-01-25T04:24:00.002+08:00

thoughts that cost money.
worries that infest minds.
fears that torments dreams.

2009-01-22T23:43:00.003+08:00

Loads of larufs.
hahahahahahhahahahahhahahahha.
i love my jap grp mates.
they are so cute.*gleams.
we were lyk done damn early.
then keep tryin" to hint to kubo san tt we are done.
but i guess he was jus reluctant for us to leave.
so every single time we say we are done...
he tells us to do smth new.
then he ask us to do smth tt we alread done.
by then, we were larufin" lyk crazy.
and me n jas ended up playin" scissors paper stone.
yes.we were tt bored.
then by the 5th time we approach him...
i think he got our point.
wahahhaha.

met JUNE.aft zillions of yrs.
love u always.
i miss u too.

No idea why i m so GAY these days.
gd signs.
i m lovin" each day.
show me LIFE.
i know i wanna live it.

2009-01-22T02:29:00.001+08:00

livin" each day with the shadow of the previous.

day by day.
i mature.
day by day.
i realize.
the ignorance i possess is devourin" me.
i shld try.
give it my very least.

2009-01-18T11:54:00.002+08:00

CYA
1st celebration for bi's bdae.

arrival.
sad.

Popeyes.
happie.

sicker.
sad.

home.
happie.

on this day.
i found happiness thru u.
18.01.79
wishin" u happie birthdae seems impossible.
you.
noone can replace u.
noone knows how much u meant to me.
i would love u forever.
u fulfilled your dreams.
its time i pursue mine.
i need u.

2009-01-17T20:51:00.002+08:00

HAPPIE BIRTHDAY to all JAN babies.

worked.n dozed.
still seem to be hostin" virus.
life is as good as it can get for me nw.
troubles appear.but i will get over them.
i believe.

2009-01-16T01:33:00.002+08:00

Rushin" project.
God.n to think i was so free.
hm. CS2 was a breeze~
now waitin" to do OB.(TT

went to watch RedCliffII.
think i lyk the 1st one better.
but olord. takeshi's teary eyes.
ドキュウン～

had t be saved frm salivatin" in the theater.
hahaa.
had muifan aft dunno how long.
talk n talk agn.
Love my dear frens.

2009-01-15T03:23:00.002+08:00

home at last.
fun was short.thou fun.
met new ppl.
had to be a baby sitter.
sighsigh.
did a gd amt of walkin".
as if on tour nyaa~

deadlines are comin" as the hours pass.
think i can finish my work?loll.

updates.

2009-01-14T02:52:00.003+08:00

sun was at くしんぼ.
i swear tt the sashimi is good.hahaah
cousin was here for a while while.
was slpin" lyk dead log due to long day of work on sat.

mon was at ma maisons
it was blissful.think the timin" of jap class is good.
dinner cld be savored slowly unlike previous years.
managed to do some catchin" up with pb. (:

tue was at Fig & Olive n' Mcd
woke up kinda late.
went t find zhi.met starfish aft so long.
saw zhi's preetty fren.
slacked n' enjoyed.
wanted O.B.P., so went to F&O.
so disappointed w the service.
made mistakeS in my order.
wrong order.forgot order.
n' much much more.
=SCHHOOL=
met zhi n' tik.

watched IP MAN.

was irritated by the 3 faggs tt thot tt they are commentaries of the movie.
they croaked thru the show.
thot they were actin" the toad ver. of the show.
i can only assume they do nt get out of the hse often.
OTAKUs.spoils reputation.
anw.now zhi n tik both hav a weird love for ZZD.
loll.feels lyk killin" them.
but scared their yong chun quan.hahahah.
All the loves for the 2 of them.

n' tik tried t tempt me w fag.
but too bad.loll.
think she wasted half.
*ppics will be uploaded ltr.loll.
[TOMORROW WILL BE A GD DAY]

2009-01-11T23:37:00.002+08:00

a not-so-little white envelope arrived.
it contained lovely thots from a far away you.
despite the language barrier, u took the effort.
thank you for makin" my life brighter than it is now.
u cannot imagine the joy i felt when i received it.

"May we all have our hopes, our will to try.
If we dont, we might as well lay down and die.
You and I"

1000years solitude

2009-01-11T00:56:00.002+08:00

a long day of work.
a long walk home.
thoughts flow and my fingers started movin" on the keypad...

the anticipation to survive alone.
the pride that i will glow with when that day comes.
i noe i wld love it.enjoy it. Savor every single day lyk there's no tomorrow.
but now.the curiosity of company.
knowin" what i want is not enough, but i need to know what i cant have.
tt cld be y i love all the impossibles.
its temptin".
the short excitements that adds spice to my borin" singaporean life.
mayb this way, i will start lovin" my life.lovin" me.
there will be no ambiguous feelin", i will be sure.
if only u were me.if only i were u.
if only.
this cld be the first and only reason y i cld love me.

the smiles tt u brought me.
the happiness tt did nt belonged to me brought me hope.

thank you.

Friday Night Fever

2009-01-09T20:32:00.003+08:00

Things jus seem to come and go.
even FEVER.
who are here to stay?
i wanna noe.
i dun wanna waste effort and time on things that are not worth it.
life is so short.
i wish i can utilize 24hrs as it is lyk in [the machinist]

I love my frens for they bring me such joy when they are happy.
Happiness.how to explain that moment of realization that life isnt all that bad.
no matter how long its here to stay, i believe i will love every moment of it.

Thanks for makin" my day when you find happiness.

another gd news:: end-sem exams are startin" frm 20feb.
woots.SM TOWN n' THAI.jus wait for me~!

I LOVE IKEA MEATBALLS.
and they hav cream of Asparagus tdae.
all the loves.

2009-01-07T12:00:00.004+08:00

who can i blame for goin" crazy for jun?
the guy with curls.oh gosh.
jus the thoughts and look wad a dl-spree it brought abt.

well, its too hard to resist.
delicious JE. *yum yum.

2009-01-07T07:36:00.004+08:00

stayed up the whole night to pack my room.omg.
not much rubbish surprisingly.hahahah.

sigh.new year is comin".which means my smile maker will not be free.
*waitin" for white letter.loll.

was at minds cafe wid 1h02 clique.loll.
think safra is gd.
i lyk the BIGG ROUNND table.
hahah.and diciple of UGLY DOLL:: zt.
All the loves for 2 of them.

went to find bibi.
jus needed to talk suddenly.
LiFE is confusin"
i need to figure out smth" soon.

lookin" into the mirror and wonderin"
wishin" i have Amnesia.
nth bad is goin" on.
neither am i not contented.
jus needed a new start.

feel that talk is big.
actions speak louder.

lookin" into the world of unlimited wants and find"

2009-01-06T05:39:00.003+08:00

jus when i wanted to go sch and work HARD~
hm.there's no CS!loll.so no school tmr.eh.tdae.
micro?nv heard of it.loll.

cant believe i slp for 4hr+ and i woke up.
had another weird dream.
sch had new buildin"
bizhi n jia en had the exact same make up.
and i cldnt tell the diff.
n toilets were disgustin"
then.jean was there.with me sitting at a outdoor seat.
it was right in front of the toilet.
was eatin" MOS.the amount was scary.
some one told a lame joke.
leng feng guo jing.
the youngest of the 5566 member appeared.
asked him to sing the song.loll.
but he sounded lyk the drummer from nodame.
oh gods.

tsk.goin sch for project and then MINDSCAFE!
hahha.to look for yifang's disciple.
all the love my my fellow fangirl.

i wanna c my dream.
wad do i wanna in my life?
wad is my motivation.

hate the materialistic world.
dislike the fact the some things are inborn.
detest people who do not put their talent to use.

2009-01-05T02:31:00.003+08:00

if only i can have ikea meatballs now.
feel that my life will be complete that way.

potatoes are good but they are all arnd.
they are normal.they are starchhy.
and when things get starchhy, all u get is carbo.
carbo are troublesome.some ppl ignore and carry on with life lyk normal.
but its so hypocritical. carbo hurts.

potatoes are jus substitutes?nono.
they are more of food in minute amounts.
why is there no meatballs in sch.
sch.sch.sch.sch.sch.sch.sch

i need more meatballs.
they are delicious and they relieve stress!
if only i cld have them everyday.
its true when they say that once u have the best,
u will nv settle for the rest.

it applies to everythin".
well, the above post basically summerized part of wads on my mind.
hm..potatoes.

2009-01-05T00:15:00.003+08:00

i can never understand y m i so slow on academic stuff.
only found out i hav an assignment due 2 hrs before.
super freak show.but luckily its easy.
i hate the feelin" of work pilin" on me.
i want to be self efficient.
big hopes but i want to be.
this will be a countdown.2 more yrs.
within which, i will change.change into smth i am.
mayb.1st step.
go for lessons.
next.2nd step.
clean up.

今から、頑張ります～
嫌な気持ちを捨てて、未来を目指せ！
どう考えも行ける。私の思いとり。

2009-01-04T04:31:00.002+08:00

Cant believe my own imagination.
been having alot of weird dreams.
explainable, but weird.
things lyk travellin on stilts at bedok mrt.
and havin insanitarium plot in my lala land.god.wad m i doin"?
feel as thou i m doin" a recollection of the past 3 weeks.loll.
even the "cast" of the reenactment.
if onli if my life is as colorful as my dreams.
if only.

2009-01-03T07:15:00.002+08:00

woke up arnd 630.damn early.
got work.pay is gd, so i m not complainin".
tmr gotta have the 1st project meetin" of 2009.
and so glad its for jap.loll.

tryin"to recall wad i did in the past 3 weeks.
realized tt smth have dominated my life.
n. its gd.loll.

2009-01-03T00:10:00.002+08:00

i feel like i am turning into a compulsive blogger.
no school.no CYA.
think i may hav a slpin disorder.loll.

POTATOES~
wish i have them planted somewhere in my hse.
hungry.hungry.

all the loves for 世にも奇妙な物語。

平成２１年になりました。私　日本へ行くつもりですけど、行かないと思う。
大変だな～死ぬまでも　行けないと感じる。
嫌だな。貯金しょう！
日本の友達欲しい。なんでいないの？

2009-01-02T03:49:00.002+08:00

.NO SCHOOL.
its not that i hate school.its jus that holidays are so fun!
therefore.no school 020109.
argh.but there is CYA.
need to countdown to the 7th.

guess its time to switch my body clock for school.

2009-01-01T19:45:00.002+08:00

the new new year is here.
fun fun day.went abt the way i loved.
and people watch is damn fun.woots.

dempsey.homeclub.spize.
W/ nadiah.cherie.cherie'bf.

love the music[surprisingly]
love the crowd[yes.in sg.]
love the drinks.[think addictive]
lovin" 2009.

the drinks were a lil disappointin" but it gets better into the night.
love the special mix tt cher did.loll.

We realize that time is a filter for people watchin".
loll.thanks to such things called curfew, we get the good looking crowd.
although there r still annoying ppl that tries to hook ppl up.
IT WAS A GOOD DAY~

home at last at 4.30
cldnt slp, so was online watchin" vids and lookin" at things i cant afford.
did up icons.[tells a thousand wrds....fine.jus my thots.]

then helped bibi to do her project.ahhah.

2009-01-01T06:32:00.000+08:00

10 hours to 2009

totally feel like slpin thru till 2009.
wishin" to live in a dream where i nv have to wake up from.

2008-12-31T19:33:00.001+08:00

Holidays were a blur.Everythin" happened so fast.And before i knew it, school starts.And now, its holidays agn.
I wish School never existed. And dreams are all we need to succeed in life.

Apparently, life is not that simple.

Alot of things have been on my mind.
Is there no way that i can delete memories?
Pls inform me if there is a way.

DAY events.
woke up at 1700+.
mindscafe: food.games.fun.

Ugly doll[TP] :Kim YF
Ugly doll[NYJC]:Gabby
i hope they will be good friends together.

Home sweet home.damn.its early.

Now i want this.

2008-12-31T16:41:00.000+08:00

New blog set up on the last day of 2008.
i hope i will keep this.i do.